I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
