i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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