You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
