FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
