She said her name was "party"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
