I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
