I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
