I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize