R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
They took my balls.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
