He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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