I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
