we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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