Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
