It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
