You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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