a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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