I accidentally had phone sex last night
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
