Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
