He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
