and she was petting her beer can
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
