God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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