When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
