Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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