I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
