I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
