Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Green mimosas i think yes
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
