Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
