nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
