How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
