Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
please don't ironically join a cult
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