My friends, they love my intelligence
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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