His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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