haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
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