there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
