Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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