My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
