I can tuck mytits in my pants
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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