i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
