If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
