So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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