The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I don't deserve a penis
That accounts for only three of the penises
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
