Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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