I feel great
I just peed on a car
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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