omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
