last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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