I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
