I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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