I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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