walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
