I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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